Saturday 12 May 2012

well today is a mad one crying babies and lots of jobs to do
my daughter asked me to go in to the nearest town today looking for paint for her new house which would be great but i just cant bring myself to do it
for starters its a busy shopping day so lots of people
then i feel a bit menopausal so not good
think i will try and just potter round the garden today
got some pictures i want to hang in the dining room and a new curtain to put up in the kitchen so lots too keep me busy
got my scan dates through for the osteoporosis 6th June so a bit nervous but im sure it will be OK
hubby was at the hospital last night with a stone stuck in his eye ..they removed it but it doesn't half look sore 
one day i am going to lock aggy in a cupboard and never let her out  lol ...its like having an evil twin
anyway onwards and upwards
  

Friday 11 May 2012




my favorite animals so proud and strong ...just beautiful

my life
sitting here all alone
in my head
everybody rushing around
getting ready
going for walks
to the shops
just coming and going

still i sit and watch
imprisoned in my own mind
fearful scared
of what
i have no clue

no one seems to notice me
still sitting there
its become normality
for everyone

thoughts and images
filter through my mind
of how i want my life to be
its like watching a movie
or someone else s life 
i try to grab at each and every image
to slow
they elude my grasp

still i sit and watch
a tear escapes the confines of my eye
i am  fearful
i will start to sob
quickly i run from the room

now i am  still sitting
just another room
with wet face and tired eyes
this is my prison and my life



today is a strange old day my aggy is making me feel very isolated and lonely
its friday and i have been in the house for most of the week apart from a couple of small walks in the garden
aggy is my freind its keeps me safe but i hate it at the same time
my mind is a psychadelic swirl of colours words emotions
i need stimulation and freedom but aggy says no a big bold NO


i tell myself this is just a blip i will get over it and i will but when aggy sits on my right shoulder she doesn't budge its hard to move her its likened to having a hod of bricks permanently stuck to you
i wish people could understand but unless they have had some dealings with her they really dont ...oh i don't blame them
even the support workers and cbt therapists don't really get me
me and aggy get me  we understand we know what makes me  tick
i am still worthy of friendship i am not a strange being descended from another  planet
me and aggy are off to do some chores now
if you got this far thanks for reading

Saturday 5 May 2012

just quickly before i leave for my walk
i am re reading lord of the rings for the hundredth time and wanted to share one of my favorite pieces of Gandalf by John Howe as he returns to hobbitdom

may 5th a new day new challenges
chores done now its time to try and get out for a short walk ,breath of fresh air its hard but i am determined and im a survivor
lovely surprise a Friend who i hold so close to my heart but have yet too meet in the real world ,she just happens to be a wonderful artist,has gifted me a fabulous piece of her work ...amazing
really but a huge smile on my chubby cheeks lol

my house is a busy house full of the laughter of children,the hustle and bustle of people coming and going but now everyone is out the silence is amazing i can hear cats cheerfully playing in the grass the new baby lambs crying for their mothers in the neighboring fields  .
the breeze blows in through my open door shaking the hanging chimes such beautiful music
i feel a true sense of calm envelope me like a warm fluffy blanket .

well i must get on or i will not get my short walk...a hundred yards too me is a marathon

Friday 4 May 2012

a look in to my busy life

This is a look at my life and how i have survived agoraphobia for the last 18 years
how i have coped with the daily panic and anxiety
some of my poems drawings photos etc
i hope some of you will enjoy reading .